Hamlet Abridged- Episode 1: Exposition Junction
by TheMeatSticks
Summary: Like Sparknotes, but funny


Hamlet Abridged

Characters

Hamlet: The sexiest prince this side of Denmark

Horatio: Hamlet's BFF (and maybe even more)

Marcellus: The Jar Jar Binks of this episode

Polonius: The evil advisor

Gertrude: Hamlet's mom and literally nothing else

Bernardo: Has less than 10 lines. Seriously

Claudius: The fatricidal/regicidal powerhouse

Ghost/King Hamlet: The ghost dad (not Bill Cosby)

Episode 1: Exposition Junction-

(2 guards at the edge of the castle)

Guard 1/Bernardo: So then I said, "woman, I ain't made of money", ha ha! Marriage, huh?

Guard 2/Marcellus: Bernardo, you're wife has been dead for 3 years

Guard 1/Bernardo: (long pause) Way to be a bag of dicks, Marcellus.

(a ghost appears)

Bernardo: Holy crap, a ghost! what should we-

Marcellus: CHUCK A SPEAR AT IT!

(Marcellus weakly throws a spear at the ghost. The ghost awkwardly stands there before leaving)

Bernardo: Hmm, I think we should call someone about this

Marcellus: Bill Murrary?

Bernardo: No

Marcellus: Dan Ankaroid?

Bernardo: No

Marcellus: Oh, what about, umm, (thinking) who was the black guy in Ghostbusters?

Bernardo: Ernie Hudson

Marcellus: Yeah, should we call-

Bernardo: Just get fucking Hamlet

Marcellus: (speaking quickly) You mean the Prince of Denmark, which is the country we are in, who's father was also named Hamlet who died in a war with Norway due to unforseen circumstances, thus causing his brother and Hamlet's uncle, Claudius, to marry Hamlet Senior's wife and Prince Hamlet's mom, Gertrude?

Bernardo: (pause) Yes

(In a meeting with a large table surrounded by officials. Hamlet sits on one side while Claudius, Polonius, and Gertrude sit on the other)

Claudius: blah blah blah Norway blah blah blah something about revenge blah blah blah I didn't kill the king.

Polonius: In conclusion, the new king of Norway named Fortinbras seems to be a touch angry with us, nyeh heh heh.

Hamlet: (muttering) Yeah, well regicide will do that

Claudius: Wait, who said regicide (looks around) no one?, Ok, good. Because I have nothing to do with that

Polonius: Now, our next matter is-

Hamlet: (sighs loudly)aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

Polonius: Financials, nyeh-

Hamlet: (sighs loudly)aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

Polonius: heh-

Hamlet: (sighs loudly)aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

Polonius: heh

Hamlet: (long pause) aah

Gertude: Son, stop being a pest

Hamlet: Hey, if you stop screwin' Scrooge McDuck, then I think we'll have a deal

Claudius: Bitch please, I'm the Scar of evil uncles

Hamlet: Hah, so, what, you killed my dad by pushing him into a bunch of running wilderbeasts?

Claudius: (muttering) Well, it wasn't that complex

Hamlet: What?

Claudius: Nothing

Gertrude: Hamlet stop breaking the fourth wall or your grounded

Hamlet: Whatever

Claudius: Why are you acting like such a cock, Hamlet?

Hamlet: Because I'm a sexy prince, that's why

Polonius: (pause) Well, he isn't wrong, nyeh heh heh

Claudius: Meeting adjourned because I'm bored

(everyone leaves as Hamlet stays)

Hamlet: Dickbags

(enter Horatio and Marcellus)

Hamlet: Hey, my N words

Marcellus: What's the sitch, Mitch?

Hamlet: Shut up Marcellus. Anyway, what's up Horatio, my closest companion (whispering) and maybe even more

Horatio: What?

Hamlet: Nothing, anyway what's up?

Horatio: Marcellus, tell Hamlet what you told me

Marcellus: I saw a ghost

Horatio: (pause) Ok, well-

Marcellus: I CHUCKED A SPEAR AT IT!

Horatio: No, I mean, tell Hamlet what the ghost looked like

Marcellus: Oh, well it didn't have a spear in it. It, uh, dodged

Horatio: (annoyed) Hamlet, it was your ghost dad

Hamlet: Oh my god, I totally beleive you!

Horatio: Really? Just like that?

Hamlet: Of course, this is the Elizibethean era where ghosts were real and we must wear very impractical clothes

Horatio: Of course, I almost forgot. Time for a ghost hunt!

(at the edge of the castle)

Hamlet: Christ, it's cold up here. Curse you, weather of Denmark

Horatio: I told you that you should've brought a coat (hugs Hamlet) anyway we'll just have to use bodywarmth

Hamlet: {inner monologue: Oh fuck yeah, my fanfiction has come to furition}

Marcellus: (quietly) I'm here too

(the ghost appears)

Ghost: Ooooooooh

Hamlet: Who dares interupt my perfectly healthy fantasy. Oh, it's just a ghost

Marcellus: CHUCK A SPEAR AT-

Ghost: OoooobitchIwillhauntyouooooooo

Hamlet: (daintly) Oh, hold me Horatio

Ghost: OoooooooocomewithmeHamletooooo

Hamlet: Sure, man (is stopped by Horatio)

Horatio: I don't think this is a good idea, he might be up to something nefarious

Hamlet: Oh, what's he gonna do, stab me with a ghost knife

Horatio: I'm just concerned for your safety is all

Hamlet: (embarressed) You are?

Horatio: Of course, your my closest friend

Hamlet: That's it?

Horatio: What do you mean?

Hamlet: I mean, something a little more intamite?

Horatio: Nooope

Hamlet: (sadly) Oh, ok

Ghost: Ooooooareyoucomingooooo?

Hamlet: Yeah, yeah {inner: Great, cockblocked by a ghost and friendzoned by the second sexiest man on Denmark, the first being me of course}

(at the edge of the castle near the cliff)

Ghost: Hamlet, I need to-

Hamlet: Wait, aren't you gonna do that whole "ooooooo" thing?

Ghost: Hah, fool! I was only pretending to be a ghost, when in truth I am actually your ghost dad!

Hamlet: Good, that was annoying. Anyway, you said you need me to do something?

Ghost: Oh, right, can you be a peach and kill Claudius?

Hamlet: Sure (walks away before hesitantly turning back) wait, I should probably ask why

Ghost: During the war in Norway, I was having one of my post-massacre naps when Claudius killed me by ear-poison

Hamlet (gasp) Ear poison!? That's even worse than nose-poison

Ghost: Yeah, I know, I could hear my frigging brain melting. It sounded like Rice Crispies

Hamlet: Well, don't worry your pretty, little etherial head because I'll do that Claudius in

Ghost: Bitchin'

(Hamlet walks back to Horatio and Marcellus)

Horatio: So what did the ghost-

Hamlet: Claudius ear-poisoned my father!

Marcellus: Holy hole in a doughnut!

Hamlet: I know I'm asking a lot, but can you guys help me kill Claudius?

Horatio: Sure, why not

Hamlet: Really? No hesitation?

Horatio: Of course not, I'll follow you anywhere man

Hamlet: (daintly) Horatio, I don't know what to say

Marcellus: Just fuck already

Horatio: In any case, we should come up with a plan

Hamlet: You're right, what should we do?

Horatio: Hire a assassain?

Marcellus: CHUCK A SPEAR AT HIM!

Hamlet: What if I pretended to be insane?

Horatio: Would that work?

Hamlet: Probably not but it will be funny


End file.
